Space Hoppers and Guilty Feelings.

Howden Drive was never the safest place to live, I think that's when I first started to barricade myself in. It wasn't safe on the outside and now all these years later I'm still trying to lock myself away from everybody. The furthest I'd wander was the back yard where I'd play wall tennis for hours on end. Looking back I was probably the wall tennis champion of the world, I don't think Ivan Lendl could have beaten me on my best days. 

I also liked to bury things. I remember once trying to bury my orange space hopper. To be honest I can't remember whether I succeeded. Maybe it's still there underneath the shed that went up years later. I often think about that space hopper and wall tennis and all those years of hiding away. And burying. I still think about burying. That's what I think about sometimes in the middle of the night or after a particularly bad dream. I think of her. And how I never got to bury her completely. She's always there and she won't go away no matter how many times I try to apologize.








192 Words


                                                                         







                                                                                (C) Ally Atherton 2015

Noah Today

A friend sent me this today and it made me chuckle.




sm

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

I needed a Building Permit.

I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision. Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord, "The Government beat me to it."

In the aftermath of another school shooting, should we be scared of mentioning mental health?

I got drawn into an argument on Twitter regarding yesterday's tragic Oregon School Shooting and the issue of Mental Health. It's a hot potato and many of us disagree about the gun issue as well as the ways in which the US government could attempt to prevent these tragedies. Here are a few of my own thoughts on the mental health side of things.







Anybody that is responsible for a school shooting, killing and maiming people on a grand scale must have a wire loose somewhere. It's not rocket science.




Mental illness comes in all shapes and sizes. It can range from mild depression to anxiety to anger issues to schizophrenia to dementia. The list is endless. If somebody was to write a definitive book including every Mental Health condition it would be a book as big as the White House itself. But for somebody to plan and carry out a school massacre there has to be a mental health issue somewhere. I'm sure a lot of people who have suffered from a mental health issue won't like my statement but it doesn't mean it isn't true. Just because it's not a nice thought doesn't make it wrong.




I'm not saying or suggesting that everybody who has a mental health problem is capable of a mass shooting, of course not. That would be ridiculous .That isn't what I am suggesting and I don't think it's what President Obama was suggesting in his TV press conference. Although unfortunately I don't have a direct line to the White House to confirm that. But let's not mask the facts so that we don't upset a few applecarts. When it boils down to it and when all the investigations have been complete it will come out that Chris Harper-Mercer had some kind of a mental problem. Whether it is a long term depressive illness or a long term hatred for certain people, it's a mental health problem. You could say that he was evil. And I'm not arguing with that. But inside every evil is some kind of a mental health problem.





So there are a few people getting worked up because people like me are linking a school massacre to mental illness, but aren't the two inevitably linked?





I am not saying that murderers shouldn't be punished because they have some form of a mental imbalance, of course not. They should be punished. And harshly. But we shouldn't be scared of suggesting that in all probability there is always a mental health problem at the core. Did Chris Harper-Mercer have a diagnosed mental illness? I don't know. But to coin an unfortunate but common phrase, he must have had a screw loose somewhere and maybe it's about time the US government did something about mental health, as well as the gun laws?








Just because somebody suggests that a mass murderer probably had some form of mental health issue doesn't mean he is tainting all sufferers with the same brush. And it doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it because that's how things get swept under the carpet.







What do you think?

The Smell of Dragon

Most people I know have ditched their cars and prefer to do their shopping whilst riding on the backs of their dragons. It's so common place these days it's almost as if the dragons have always been here. They've had to make all the doors bigger of course but most big stores have built in dragon flaps to make it easier for everybody.

 

I'm an old romantic though and dream of a world without dragon shit and dragon flaps and the smell of dragon farts follows me everywhere, it's almost impossible to imagine a world that doesn't smell of dragon fart. People try to compensate by smothering themselves in perfume and by wearing pegs in their noses but it doesn't work. None of it works. We live in a dragon fart world and we just have to suck it up and move on. I don't have a big one because dragons don't come cheap. I have a geriatric dragon. It's the dragon equivalent of a battered old Ford Escort. I'd actually be quicker walking. But walking is as old school as sitting in the back row of a Neneh Cherry concert. You wouldn't want to be seen dead walking on your legs. And It will soon be illegal.

 

Already there are signs up in front of the town hall mentioning plans to make Chorley Town Centre a No Leg Zone and Morrisons and ASDA now have dragon only check outs. So old romantics like me are being squeezed out. We have to shut up or put up or invest in a better quality dragon.

(C) Ally Atherton 2015

Today's Friday Phrases via twitter

'Wake up it's killing time.'

I opened my eyes and saw that our doors were open. I was terrified. Today friendships would end in death.



                                                   ~





It takes 2 - 4 years to get to know somebody. Couples who wait this long before marriage are less likely to kill each other with a cleaver.




                                                   ~




I remember clearly the day me and my wife had a bath together. It would have been romantic but I had the tap end and she was quite dead.






                                                   ~



At 9 I used to kill time by hiding in my wardrobe. Closing my eyes

I prayed



for Narnia or Trisha, the girl next door's bedroom.








                                                     ~

Unturnable

I sneak up on you and turn your key.






Sometimes I do it when you are asleep, when you don't hear night sounds like your fridge belching or your floorboards groaning as I tip-toe across them. I turn it just enough so that your good dreams don't overexcite you and the bad ones don't go on for long enough to kill you.




But when you are awake I have to turn your key when you are not looking. When you are doing simple things like boiling a kettle or peeling a potato or hanging your smalls on the washing line. I have to be careful that you don't see me and that I don't drop the key before I have the chance to turn it. I especially have to make sure that I bob down quickly enough whenever you look at yourself in the mirror. I've been caught out a few times like that and I see the momentary look of horror on your face before you have the time for your brain to forget seeing me.





I sneak up on you and turn your key.





I make it all happen. Every sneeze. Every fart. Every annoying song that crawls into your head.


It's me.




And I'll be there for you until your key grows blunt and rusty and completely unturnable.











                                                                                     (C) Ally Atherton 2015










Written for this week's Light and Shade Challenge


.

.

Itch

When I'm about to travel I get

the itch

Unscratchable like a missing foot



or a whole leg




Then I disappear

Bit by bit










                                                                                   (C) Ally Atherton