Friday, 14 August 2015

Today's Friday Phrases via twitter

'Wake up it's killing time.'

I opened my eyes and saw that our doors were open. I was terrified. Today friendships would end in death.


It takes 2 - 4 years to get to know somebody. Couples who wait this long before marriage are less likely to kill each other with a cleaver.


I remember clearly the day me and my wife had a bath together. It would have been romantic but I had the tap end and she was quite dead.


At 9 I used to kill time by hiding in my wardrobe. Closing my eyes

I prayed

for Narnia or Trisha, the girl next door's bedroom.


Tuesday, 4 August 2015


I sneak up on you and turn your key.

Sometimes I do it when you are asleep, when you don't hear night sounds like your fridge belching or your floorboards groaning as I tip-toe across them. I turn it just enough so that your good dreams don't overexcite you and the bad ones don't go on for long enough to kill you.

But when you are awake I have to turn your key when you are not looking. When you are doing simple things like boiling a kettle or peeling a potato or hanging your smalls on the washing line. I have to be careful that you don't see me and that I don't drop the key before I have the chance to turn it. I especially have to make sure that I bob down quickly enough whenever you look at yourself in the mirror. I've been caught out a few times like that and I see the momentary look of horror on your face before you have the time for your brain to forget seeing me.

I sneak up on you and turn your key.

I make it all happen. Every sneeze. Every fart. Every annoying song that crawls into your head.

It's me.

And I'll be there for you until your key grows blunt and rusty and completely unturnable.

                                                                                     (C) Ally Atherton 2015

Written for this week's Light and Shade Challenge




When I'm about to travel I get

the itch

Unscratchable like a missing foot

or a whole leg

Then I disappear

Bit by bit

                                                                                   (C) Ally Atherton

Sunday, 2 August 2015

I need a whinge jar.

I've found this on Facebook and I'm going to give it a try. It's not going to be easy for me because I can be a bit of a whinger!

24 hours without complaining. Maybe I need the equivalent of a swear jar so that I can put some money in every time I let a whinge slip. A whinge jar.

I'll let you know how I get on. Started at 14 38 UK Time.

Give it a go and let me know how you get on!

Next Day Update:

Okay now that was difficult. It seems spending 24 hours without complaining is more difficult than I could have anticipated. I started off so well and then it all went tits up.

I'm sure it's very possible but it would probably need a lot of lip biting. I think it all went pear shaped when our wonderful new neighbours appeared with another car to add to their collection. I swear they are taking up the whole street. And you can hardly park a bicycle on our street. And that's all I really needed for my complaints to follow one after the other.

I think it's a bit like trying to open a bumper bag of salted peanuts.

No matter how carefully you try to open one you always end up with a shit full of peanuts on your carpet. But I haven't given up. Maybe I'll try again. From this very moment..........................

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Saturday Microfiction

Sometimes I just need a shed

so I can be alone with my thoughts, a drop of rum

and the bodies of my victims.