Heavenly Thoughts

Ok this is my first attempt at putting one of my short (tiny) stories onto my blog. Hope it turns out ok and hopefully I will put more stuff up in the coming year.


Heavenly Thoughts



The heavens have just opened, scratching my ass I curse the day I ever

decided to play this stupid game. You probably wouldn’t like it but there’s sod

all to do here at the entrance to the Pearly Gates. All day long I see those

poor buggers, appearing out of nowhere like they do, all pale faced and lost

looking and then there’s always the infernal knocking and knocking. Sometimes they

can be there for hours. I pity their sob stories and confessions, but at the end

of the day if he aint gonna let you in he aint gonna let you in. This isn’t a bed

and breakfast in Blackpool, you can scream and shout as much as you want but

sometimes there’s only one place for you to go.


Oh I’ve seen them all in my line of business, idiots that have jumped from

balconies or others that have walked into the sea thinking they’ve got flippers

for arms.


I hate the rain, it’s a bloody nuisance when I’m playing this damn stupid game .

Oh here comes another young one with his pants down his ankles and one of those

bolts in his ear like they’re all wearing these days. I wonder what the hell he


did to end up here at this ungodly hour. I know I shouldn’t talk like that , what

with him indoors sitting on his throne or doing his Sudoku or whatever the hell he

likes to do at this time of the morning. Maybe he’s toasting some muffins.


This guy he’s got no chance I can tell you now. Thing is there’s no halo you see,

you don’t stand a chance in hell without a halo, if you excuse the pun.

They come in all shapes and sizes your halo’s, ranging from small to extra-large.

Fancy looking things, all sparkly and shiny. I like the luminous ones best, all

lit up like fairy lights on a Christmas tree. Comes in handy when I’m on nights,

wouldn’t mind though I don’t get any extra money, just my basic; tight bugger that

HE is. I should be careful really, he’s supposed to be omnipresent and all that,

he probably knows what I’m thinking before I actually think about thinking. Mind

you he hasn’t said anything to me yet and I’m always thinking bad stuff and a few

naughty things too. Especially when those dolly birds come along, wearing nothing

much and leaving even less to the imagination. I can’t help my thoughts sometimes,

I don’t get out much. It’s lonely work being the only security Guard in Heaven.



Not that I ever get any trouble, they take one look at me and run a mile, I’m an

ugly bugger, what with my seven chins and my two heads and pony tail. I’ve also

got this sting in my tail that I use when I get annoyed, but I don’t like to use

it, gives me a migraine and you can’t get any decent pain killers around here. Not

much call for them. It’s also no fun getting a migraine when you have two heads.

I’m pretty much redundant, just like a sodding scarecrow really, that’s all I am.

Except there’s no birds shitting on my head, just clouds that are forever bumping

into each other and causing it to rain all the time.


I hate being wet and there’s never any shelter, him indoors (who must be

worshipped at all times) has ignored my housing application and he doesn’t believe

in umbrellas.


To be honest there’s nothing to see around here either, it’s all kind of white,

like you’d probably expect and sod all as far as the eye can see. I thought he

could have at least given me a garden with some begonias or maybe a small mountain

with a couple of goats. An allotment would do. Give me something to do. That’s why

I always end up playing this stupid game, it passes away the time. It’s nothing

spectacular but I like it, keeps my mind off those dolly birds, all tits and legs.

Keeps his highness off my back at any rate but I tell you what, it’s bloody

monotonous playing ‘Keepy Uppy’ with a broken halo.