Saturday, 27 September 2014
Just add 500 mls of water
'Open with care. Each packet contains one instant woman who will fall in love with you immediately. Guaranteed to satisfy all your Earthly needs. Just add 500 mls of water. Use by April 2014.'
MY HANDS were shaking as I tore open the packet and poured the contents into the jug.
So it was a few months out of date? What was the worst that could happen? A speech impediment? A limp? A penis?
I added the water and stirred. Nothing happened at first, then it started to fizzle and I detected a hint of vanilla in the air. Vanilla mixed with wild roses and bubblegum. I closed my eyes and inhaled the aroma and then there she was, sat on my kitchen counter in a pair of hot pants and a crop top.
'Howdy lover,' she said.
She was perfect. Two eyes, a nose and a mouth and everything else was where it should have been. And she was all mine. To satisfy all my needs forever.
But I really wished I had taken notice of the expiry date.
She smiled at me. Beautiful and thankfully Penisless. But I would have to wait, I had to get her through kindergarten first.